RequiemStorm

Greetings my friends, watchers and random people simply passing through,

On this the eve of the 15th of December I decided to finally update my journal with some more personal stuff. As some of you may  know I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease about 4 years ago. Crohn's, for those of you who may not know, is an auto-immune disorder that is caused by an inflamation of the red blood cells and is located in the colon or large intestines. Symptoms primarily result in either abdominal pain or crippling arthritis. I have severe crohns which means I have all of that and some more. To put simply, my immune system is so good at healing itself that it likes to think that I am a threat. It causes a lot of problems and it is a pretty expensive disease (my meds used to cost 2,800 for the shots and I need them every other week. Thankfully I qualified for a savings card). Most people can send it into remission with proper dieting and exercise, but I am not that lucky.  I've had my ups and downs in life in regards to that, but at least I am better now than I was. I've had some internal bleeding lately which hasn't been the greatest, but that is probably due in part to my resistance to treatment. When I was first diagnosed with Crohn's my large intestines were the ones causing problems and I was able to take a medicine called Sulfasalizine to quell the raging inflamtion in my gut. However, the source of inflamation and the ulcers moved to my small intestines about a year ago and my abdomen began to really hurt. The medicine wasn't working to heal my gut anymore and, while it was helping to keep my arthritis symptoms in check, my gut was steadily getting worse.

They told me if I didn't do something about it that they would eventually have to remove some of my intestines and replace it with one of those bags to filter waste. My other options presently are thus; Humira ( a self-injected shot given in the abdomen or thigh), Remecaid ( a blood infusion given every 2 to six months) or chemo therapy. Given Chemo is a last resort and my insurance refuses to pay for Remecaid , that left me with Humira.

Now, I've dealt with needles my entire life so I didn't think it would be that bad. Boy was I wrong. It isn't the initial pin-prick that gets me either! It's the medicine as it enters your body, It burns so painfully that you cry. It has gotten so hard for me to inject myself.... I'm ashamed by how scared I am. I am ashamed at how long I sit in the bathroom staring at that auto-injector. I'm ashamed that I've been so afraid that I've actually skipped shots.... Yeah. Not good.


I can't be on my own either. I have to have supervision! A couple of weeks on my own here or there won't kill me, but I will be continuing to live with my parents for the time being, I feel incredibly guilty for all the help they've had to give me. I've completely drained them of their retirement funds too. I've picked up extra work along the way so I've been fairly busy between school and work.

However, I think it is finally time for me to close that chapter of my life. I will be 25 next year and between trying to work enough to provide at least some minor help to my parents, and having learning disabilities that make it difficult to take full time schooling, I think it is time for me to simply focus on work and my health. I'm always antsy when people ask about where I graduated from and what I am doing with my life, so this is somewhat of a difficult decision, but given that I no longer want to go for the degree I am studying and it would be at least another 8 years (Since I can't handle a full time load and school and health nonsense), I think it is is best to stay where I am and work my way up.

I am sorry to all my friends that I haven't spoken with in a long time. You are all incredibly precious to me and I do think about you all often<3